Resistance: The Hidden Drain on Our Energy, Part 1
Photo by Aziz Acharki on Unsplash
Why am I so exhausted?
Have you ever reached the end of the day feeling tired even when nothing especially dramatic has occurred? Not physically exhausted from over effort, not emotionally wrecked from some crisis, just plain worn out.
Now there could be a whole cascade of reasons, lack of sleep, poor nutrition, just under the surface illness brewing. But here’s another possibility worth considering:
How much of our daily frustration, dissatisfaction, or exhaustion actually comes from resistance?
Resistance is sneaky. It doesn’t look like rebellion or refusal. Most of the time, it sounds like ordinary thinking.
Maybe you are familiar with some of these phrases:
I should have handled that differently.
This shouldn’t be happening.
I’ll be happy when…
Things will be better once…
I didn’t sign up for this!
Why me!
This is mental resistance, a subtle argument we have with life expressing our dissatisfaction about what life has thrown at us. In mindfulness speak this is called, “fighting against the reality of what is”. What is is already happening in the moment and pushing against it won’t make it go away.
There’s an expression often attributed to Carl Jung: “What we resist, persists.”
Life is not punishing us with challenges, it is offering us opportunities to learn, grow, evolve, become. When we complain or wallow about our circumstances we spend a lot of energy resisting what’s here rather than meeting it and getting to know it.
What Resistance Looks Like
Complaining is one of the many flavors of resistance. But resistance shows up in subtler, more socially acceptable ways. It could be in the form of tolerating situations you’ve outgrown because the status quo of discomfort feels safer than uncertainty.
It could come in the form of reminiscing about “the good old days” while missing out on the life unfolding right now, which at some point may become a good old day too - if we would give it have a chance.
It might feel like waiting for conditions to change before allowing yourself the gift of change. “When the kids are gone, when the house is paid off, when I increase my earning, when I loose weight…” You get the idea.
Resistance may have some relation to our built in survival wiring but it often works against our “thrival” desires.
The Masks of Resistance
Over the years of teaching mindfulness, I’ve noticed resistance tends to show up decorated in a variety of masks - “paper faces on parade” - keeping its real identity hidden.
1. Mask of Emotions
We are emotional beings containing a full spectrum of feelings from the warm fuzzy type to the thorny, prickly ones. Some we like better than others. Some we are actually afraid of. So, instead of feeling what’s present, we decide manage it instead..
Maybe we numb ourselves on our preferred escape: food, drugs, alcohol, scrolling, shopping, overworking, binge watching, gaming, even obsesive exercising (miles and miles of jogging to run away from problems).…the list is endless really.
Sometimes we even use wellness practices as resistance. Meditation becomes escape rather than a way to meet life where it is. “Good vibes only” replaces what’s actually going on inside of us, a toxic positivity. This is sometimes called spiritual bypassing, using spirituality practices to avoid being human.
Another common strategy? Living entirely in the head. We analyze feelings instead of feeling them. We think rather than feel; brain versus heart.
Skillfully working with emotions is a lot more like digestion than decision-making. When you eat, you trust the body to digest food, assimilate nutrients and expel what is not needed.. You don’t stand over your stomach giving instructions on how to operate, stopping the process midway because you’re uncomfortable with the sensations. Emotions need the same permission. They must be felt to be integrated. They must be allow to digest, assimilate and release the remains.
2. Not Fond of Me
This is where the inner critic shows up. We compare ourselves to some invisible standards that who-knows-who put in front of us. We practice self-criticism and hide parts of ourselves we’ve labeled unacceptable.
Sometimes this mask of resistance looks like not speaking our truth; not because we don’t know it, but because we fear what it might change or how we might be perceived. Sadly, the energy required to avoid ourselves is enormous.
3. Not Fond of You
There is a small part of this one can feel justified or even noble. We try to “fix” people for their own good. We do this often as parents and spouses - assuming our good intention most of the time. We decide to help manage the other’s growth because we know better. We attempt to carry responsibility and struggles that are not ours to carry. Maybe we hold onto grudges, replaying old hurts long after the moment has passed because we’re not willing to let them off the hook.
We miss out on so much of our own life when we resist it in favor of laying our energy on others.
4. Make Life Certain Please
This might be a modern epidemic, overthinking before beginning. We have access to so much information, some not even accurate, leading us down rabbit holes of endless research bottomless pits.
Maybe we wait until we feel completely ready having all our ducks in a row. Maybe we micromanage life into rigid expectations trying to eliminate all risk. The diagnosis? Analysis to paralysis.
This trying to control all possible outcomes means your nervous system never gets to rest and you never get to move the needle of your life.
5. Joy? Why Bother
This could be the most surprising form of resistance. When life is going well, something inside us goes on alert, “Wait, what’s going on? This feels too…good…? Prepare yourself, this won’t last, don’t trust it, the other shoe will drop soon, mark my words.”.
How often do we downplay successes, brush off compliments, play small, steer clear of opportunities? Joy, happiness, contentment can change who we are in a supportive ways and guess what, the brain is not fond of change, even if it is positive. Change, in and of itself, feels risky.
The Reality of Resistance
In our prehistoric survival wiring resistance had its place. Resist wandering off without the rest of the tribe to stay safe. Resist eating the wrong plant, drinking from the wrong stream, approaching the wrong animal…all built in to keep the species surviving.
The problem, if you can call it one, isn’t that resistance exists. The problem is that it has been indiscriminately operating in ALL the places of our life zapping us of a life energy we could put to use in more creative and life renewing pursuits if we could only learn to stop pushing against what it.
Swim with the current of life and you can go for miles, swim against the current and exhaustion will have its way with you.
More to come in segment 2.
In-joy meeting reality,
Debbie